Published in Slackjaw·PinnedMember-onlyI Am The Father From The Black Parade Who Took The Young Boy Into The City To See A Marching BandAnd that’s not how I remember it at all. — When I was a young boy, my father Took me into the city to see a marching band I remember that Fourth of July parade, but I don’t know if you could call our town’s quaint downtown area “the city.” And I don’t think you were that “young.” You must…Humor3 min read
May 24Member-onlyGeorge W. Bush Reviews Historical World LeadersHe also said he recently spoke to Zelenskyy via Zoom, declaring the Ukrainian leader to be a “cool little guy — the Churchill of the 21st century. By Troy Doetch & Adam Dietz Volodymyr Zelenskyy President of Ukraine During Russian Invasion “Cool little guy” Winston Churchill Prime Minister of the United…Satire2 min read
May 9Member-onlyAs the man in this relationship, I’m going to point at every single animal at the zooThe zoo’s never been your thing? Always left something to be desired? Baby girl, that was all before you had a man in your life, a real man — a man who will point at every single animal at the zoo. The Diana monkey? With its arching tail? Climbing up…Humor3 min read
Published in Frazzled·May 2Member-onlyNational Quiet Game Power RankingSee how these sultans of silence stack up — 10. Jerod Skeeps — Toledo, Ohio Known for his tight-lipped trips to K-Mart with his Grandma Joy, who needs her peace and quiet, Skeeps fell on the list this week after a tough match-up against his visiting cousin Tommy, who took his Gameboy Advance and pretended to delete all of his…Humor4 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Apr 25Member-only7 Mistakes Young Writers Make That Remind Middle-Aged Editors of their MortalityBecome a better writer and stop reminding me of the inevitability of my own death — Mistake #1: You Don’t Read Enough This is the most common error I see! Young writers need to read more, specifically of the things that I read. When I think about all the hours I poured into books that are now out of print or no longer culturally relevant, I become…Humor3 min read
Apr 19Member-onlyThe Sisyphus Puts the Donuts in the BreakroomI wonder if they will have raspberry glaze in the great break room in the sky. — I do not put the donuts in the break room because I think anyone will eat them. This is not the purpose of the donuts in the break room. The people here have restrictive diets — no sugar, no fat, no dairy. …Humor3 min read
Apr 2Member-only14 Perfect Self-Deprecating Lines to Add to Your Writer’s BioNo Writer’s Bio is Complete Without A Little Self-Indulgent Self-Deprecation — They were a precocious child, but are now just cocious. They write for attention, but it rarely materializes. They once hit a raccoon with a Kia Sorrento and were surprised to feel nothing. At breakfast the next morning, hearing Alex shaking the snow off of Timberlands on the portico, they…Writers On Writing3 min read
Mar 18Member-onlyFour Hilarious Mistakes Young Writers MakeTheir youthful inexperience makes me chortle! Teaching creative writing class for 14 years at the local community college has brought me incomparable joy: The deep connections forged in helping a young writer detail their parents’ divorce; the pride of seeing an insecure young adult realize that people care what they…Humor3 min read
Mar 17Member-onlyActually, None of This Has Anything to Do with St. Patrick’s DayWhy do I have to tell you this every year? — I’m glad you’re celebrating St. Patrick’s day, and that you’re enthusiastic about Irish culture, but actually, none of this has anything to do with the real St. Patrick’s Day. This is all a shallow, modern, Americanized version of the holiday. I mean, it’s great that you’re throwing this party, but…St Patricks Day2 min read
Mar 14Member-onlyCan You Spare $5 To Fight Back Against Our Obscenely Rich Corporate Overlords?We believe in SMALL DONATIONS from REAL VOTERS! — Jason here, with JOHN SHACKLEMAN FOR SENATE. This election cycle, our opponent Aaron Trapp is fundraising with the WEALTHY ELITE, establishing a WAR CHEST to the tune of millions in CORPORATE DOLLARS. He’s made it clear that he will use this DARK MONEY to fight for WALL STREET NOT STATE…Humor3 min read
